Nicki Minaj wasn't at the Met Gala because her cousin's friend's balls are swollen

The Met Gala returned this year for a fun-filled evening of rich people posing in opulent, tone-deaf costumes for tax-deductible charities, but one notable rich person with a history of particularly opulent wardrobes was missing from the festivities. Despite attending Galas past, Nicki Minaj was nowhere to be found last night, citing (sigh) the Met’s COVID-19 vaccine mandate for all guests.

“They want you to get vaccinated for the Met,” Minaj tweeted yesterday afternoon, adding that “if” she gets the vaccine, “it won’t [be] for the Met” and that she was currently doing research into the matter.

Less than half an hour later, Minaj presented her findings to her 22.6 million Twitter followers: You see, Nicki had heard that her cousin in Trinidad’s friend got the shot, and now his balls are the size of cantaloupes and he’s sterile, a development causing his fiancée to cancel their upcoming wedding.

Knowing this information, Minaj advised everyone to “just pray on it” to better make a decision, and avoid being “bullied” on the subject. Now, to the absolute lowest-bar definition of “her credit,” Minaj confirmed in a subsequent tweet that she would be getting a vaccine at some point in the future before going back on tour while also encouraging proper face mask usage... so there’s that, we suppose. Minaj also put out a poll asking Twitter which vaccine they preferred, which we will not keep you up to date on, because Jesus Christ... Nicki Minaj cited her cousin’s friend’s beanbag-sized testicles as a reason behind delaying her COVID-19 vaccination.

Minaj even revealed that she recently missed the MTV VMAs after testing positive for the virus, along with rapper Drake suffering a “breakthrough” case of COVID-19—but that still didn’t encourage her to go out and get the shot immediately.

If all that wasn’t enough (and, we can assure you, it is), during our drafting of this saga, Minaj managed to shoot off another tweet seemingly pointing towards the possibility that she accidentally revealed said cousin’s friend’s fiancée’s wedding cancellation before their partner knew of it.

Okay, that’s it. We’re stopping where we’re at here and hitting “Publish” before something else godawful and testicle-related from Minaj hits our timeline.

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